While teaching a “Parent Night” the evening before the kid’s safety class, I noticed a mother in tears sitting in the front row. I just completed a session on “How to teach your kids without fear.”
I asked her if she was alright, and she slowly volunteered to share a story. “One of the reasons I am here is for my seven year old boy. He seems terrified of strangers and mostly cars on the street. He is very nervous every time he has to cross the street. I have to hold his hand and assure him he will be alright before he steps off the curb.” She went on to add, “After hearing you teach this new method, I realized that I instilled fear into him and that is why he is so scared to cross the street.”
“Would you mind sharing how you did that?” I asked. She said, “When he was three years old, I wanted to teach him about car safety while crossing the street. So I took him to the curb and went through the traditional “look both ways” talk that everyone teaches their kids. I really wanted him to get it, so I added a little something extra. I gave him a consequence that could happen if he didn’t obey the safety rule. I said to my little wide-eyed three year old, ‘….and do you know what could happen if you don’t look both ways?’ He nodded in innocent wonder ‘no,’ ‘well, remember those little animals that you see dead on the side of the road? That could be you! And that would be terrible because it would hurt Mommy and Daddy so bad!’ I not only scared him, I made him feel guilty and that he would hurt his parents as well! Oh God, I am so ashamed!”
She went on to say that he looked so stunned and just stared at her for the longest time not knowing what to say. “I thought at the time, he would really get it and learn the lesson. I didn’t realize that I was introducing a terrifying experience into his mind.”
“And now I know why he is still terrified to this day of cars and streets,” she said as she wiped the guilty tears from her face.
Many parents unknowingly introduce fear into their children in many ways. This is just one example of many I hear at this class. Sometimes parents introduce fear in normal conversations in how they worry about money, health, or the future in general. Our children are listening, even when you think they are not.
First of all, I consoled this mother by letting her know that she did this out of love, and it was the best she knew how at the time. She would learn new ways at this Parent Night to teach and practice safety skills with her children without the use of fear or consequences. She became optimistic and soon moved past her guilt with the excitement of learning new ways to help her child be safe.
Children already know about fear and all the terrible things that are occurring in our world. They do not need to have it reinforced by parents who want them to become “more aware.” What they need to learn is how to respond to all of the fearful events in a powerful and healthy way. Children want parents to demonstrate not how to avoid fear, but how to understand and master it. We must start by how we talk about these things. We must learn to express ourselves in a powerful way versus a victim’s perception of the world. And most of all, we must invite our children into appropriate discussions of how to embrace family challenges. When children know that talking about scary stuff is OK, they will not run from it later when they are older. They will learn by watching and demonstration from their parents. They will not have to seek answers outside of the family unit and learn it “on their own.”
It is our responsibility to create a safe environment where your child knows they can tell you anything without fearful consequences. This is not to say that breaking rules should not have consequences; but safety is more important than breaking rules, and consequences should always come second. If children fear your consequences of breaking the rules more than the value their own safety, they might not tell the truth. This, of course, is not healthy for anyone.
If you are interested in learning more about how to do this and other important safety and empowerment skills for your children, please contact Warrior Spirit about the upcoming safety class for kids and parents called, "Keep Kids Safe!" on May 15 - 17, 2009.