If you want to have what you have never had, you must do what you have never done. The moment you enter an intimate relationship with another being, your Spirit invites you to embark on one of the most challenging journeys of self-exploration there is.

I want to share a story with you about a man in his mid forties. He is worth many millions of dollars and could pretty much acquire anything in the material world he wants. He had been married for twenty years. He shared that his wife had acquired a terminal illness. After many consultations and a barrage of testing, the physicians had given her less than six months to live. With all the financial power to accumulate anything he desired, the one item that escaped his financial grasp was time. He felt helpless and powerless.  He could not turn back the clock.

After several weeks of emotional pain and suffering he eventually found freedom and peace. So did his wife. They were able to lift the curtain of ego that filled their life for years with discomfort and withdrawal.  Time became irrelevant and each moment transformed into a piece of eternity. How did they do this? They were able to achieve this through the power of surrender.

If you have ever experienced “falling in love” with another being, you probably have known the tingling magic of meeting someone who captivates your mind and heart. They fill every waking moment with delight. For a moment in time we glimpse at their soul and love what we see. We want this experience to last all the time. Many people get married in this state of grace. And then the next phase begins.

 Inscribed on my wedding ring it says, “Through You I See Me.” My wife has the same words inscribed on hers. We had no idea when we wrote those words 17 years ago, just how profound of a message we were stating. It has been the perfect mantra for our marriage. It has also taken me beyond my marriage and opened my eyes in my career and my teachings.

In a relationship, we are like mirrors for each other. Have you noticed that mirrors reflect every part of you, including those aspects you would rather not see? You have a clear picture of what you like and what you don’t like.

Remember the part when the minister says, “Will you take this person for better or worse?” As we look across at each other we say, “No problem! Bring it on! I do.” At the time, you only see Spirit and the recognition of another soul looking back at you.

 What the minister was asking you to really contemplate was this... 

Will you surrender that this person in front of you is Spirit in human form?  They come complete with an ego with a lot of stories attached. So will you embrace their ego and their habit patterns as well as their Spirit…especially when you don’t want to? Are you willing to look beyond their ego and remember them as you see them in this moment? Are you willing to go for love over being right?

How many of you could have used a little more experience, and a few more tools and strategies for the ego part of the relationship game?  The ego eventually moves into the foreground and the game begins. This is where “Through You I See Me” takes on a whole new meaning. One of the most challenging yet awakening experiences now becomes available to the relationship.

Have you noticed that your Spirit will bring to you what you need in order to continue to grow?  Have you ever wondered why some of the lessons are so painful?  Fire forges metal to make it strong. And your Spirit has no problem bringing to you opportunities for growth, even if you don’t like it.

 God’s curriculum called Relationships is designed so that we can experience the beauty of oneness in all humanity. You need at least one other person to enroll in this class with you. You may have noticed that many of us enrolled in this divine program before studying His course description. It can take a lifetime to finally graduate and many never get out of this divine college at all.

For many who get married or decide to commit to a relationship the ego soon takes over and creates veils to obscure what we see in the other. Arguments and unloving stories can fill your head with unpleasant thoughts. The mind runs redundant harmful thoughts that can appear unstoppable. The body reacts to this kind of thinking and causes it to suffer. If allowed to continue, the numbness of withdrawal becomes the only relief. The coping mechanism can arise in the relationship. To cope is to numb the heart and harden the attitude as well as the arteries. This form of suffering is very common in relationships.

There is a way out. This is where surrender must enter. It is the first step. And with any first step, it can be the hardest. But if you take this step, you must stay the course. A master must practice surrender every moment, until the ego finally fades into extinction and is no longer necessary. In time, the ego will atrophy from non-use.

The ego has a purpose. We need the ego as part of our evolutionary adventure. There reaches a point when the ego is no longer useful or necessary. This can be a point of intense release and perturbation, for egos don’t let go easy. To the ego this feels like death. It has been often referred to as “the dark night of the soul.” It is happening to us individually and as a global consciousness. The ego makes a great servant; it is just a lousy master.

Practicing the art of surrender and its power to heal will give you the ability to rise above the cloud of ego and see things how they really are.

In my work with others, I often hear, “I will not surrender to his / her harmful behavior!”  Certain toxic behaviors need to be addressed and certainly dealt with. Sometimes it is an appropriate response to remove yourself from a harmful situation. I am talking about something different here.

Resistance to surrender when viewed from traditional definitions can include “giving up, defeat, no change possible.”  Yet when we examine the teachings from our favorite prophets and heroes, we see quite a different perspective. Let us look at surrender through their eyes as they taught how to be free from suffering. 

Surrender is not passive. It does not mean to put up with harmful behavior. Nor does it suggest that we cope with the various forms of suffering. Surrender is yielding versus opposing the flow of life. It is accepting the present moment without reservation or judgment. It is in the resistance to the way things are, that we suffer. This resistance is the process of the ego. It is the ego mind, which resists life lessons offered by Spirit. Spirit says, “Oh, I see this is happening now.” While ego says, “Oh, this is not supposed to be happening right now.” Acceptance comes from our Spirit mind.

Einstein stated, “We can never solve a problem with the type of thinking that created it.”  The ego will resist surrender to a situation it feels threatened over.  We must learn to embrace that which is not comfortable.  We must ask for the power to think what we have never thought before. This is true genius mind. When asking for a greater ability to tune into what Spirit has to offer, we open our minds to receive a higher frequency of thought. By becoming more conscious of our thoughts we invite an expanded sense of awareness. This is the key to waking up.

Surrender does not mean to take no action. In fact, it enhances your ability to take immediate and clear action without the distraction of harmful thought patterns. If you are stuck in the mud, surrender is not resigning yourself to the situation.  Surrender is acceptance of what is so, and then asking what action there is for me to take instead of “Why is this happening to me?” or “If he would have or she didn’t, I would not be here right now!” You can blame and be right, and still be stuck in the mud.

When I fought as a boxer in the ring, I noticed that whenever I resisted getting hit, I got hit a lot! Resistance can make you contracted and rigid.  Any fighter knows it is difficult to move quickly when you are rigid and tense. After getting hit enough times, a new voice in my head said, “So what?” It came from out of nowhere.  “You got hit and you are still here!” This new “so what” mantra sharpened my ability to be in the moment and act immediately with power. It took the edge off of the fear and the power away from what I didn’t want. When you can shift this reaction consciously into a preferred action, you begin to experience freedom and the power of the moment. Many masters call this, “Being in the zone.”

The ego sees resistance as strength. It is fear masquerading as strength. Patterns are habitual ways of reacting to external circumstances. Have you ever noticed other’s patterns? For most of us, you could fill a book with patterns of those people you know very well. And what do you think their book would say about you?

What about a potentially dangerous act that could harm you? The body is equipped with the ability to discern when to withdraw and to advance. This is not what I am addressing here. Your patterns come from within. When a pattern is activated we usually feel contraction in the body. The ego will immediately tell you the source of your contraction is coming from them.

The ego pattern causes an internal contraction in your body. You are emotionally reacting to the thoughts initiated by this habitual pattern. This knowing is the first step. Once you become aware that your internal contraction comes from your own thinking mind, you have a very powerful key. Surrendering to this truth gives you freedom to choose.

You must learn to be aware of the difference between external forces that you must take action on and those internal forces that you must surrender to. This awareness is the key that unlocks the prison of habitual mind. If allowed to continue, the stories can grow like bacteria and psychically destroy those in your relationship.

A course of action I take daily is to ask that the contractions, pain and discomfort in my body be the signal that activates my awareness. When one becomes aware that they are in prison then escape is possible. But when one denies that they are in prison, there is no escape. It has been said the gates of hell are locked from the inside. Awareness is the key.

Once you have this key of awareness, it will unlock every door because they are all fabricated from the same ego locksmith. The all have a common unconscious pattern that is related. They are all time related and carry the seed of judgment and blame. The moment you surrender, it unlocks the old pattern and you can see it for what it is. You experience a moment of release as the contraction begins to lift.

When another different episode comes your way, another contraction is stimulated in the body as well. The ego jumps back in and will tell you, “This one is different. This one is real. This one you can’t surrender to. If surrender worked, how come you have pain again?”  This is where your faith must enter. Faith will resurrect your passion and through the force of will, ignite your Spiritual persistence to prevail. An internal voice can come forward and say to you, “Get up and just keep going!”  The same shadow is always lurking behind every story the ego creates. The same key works on every lock.

The activity of the ego is like a fog that permeates your awareness. The flashlight of presence is your connection to your Spirit.  When Spirit points the beam of light, you now have a direction to follow. You can see the end of the beam a short distance in front of you. Even the fog is part of the awakening process. Without the fog, the particles of light will not make the beam visible. The ego will tell you there is only more fog out there and to stay put. The only way out is to take action. You must move in the direction of the beam. This takes an act of faith.

When you do this, something very powerful happens.  As you move, the beam moves also. And soon you are at the point where the original beam ended. Lo and behold, the beam of Spirit light has now extended another distance for you to follow. Just keep walking. The Bible quotes, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for Thou art with me.” You notice it says to “walk” not “sit” in the valley. This means you must take action.

In the movie Finding Nemo, my favorite character is a little fish called Dory. She lives totally in the now and has no memory of the past. Nemo, who is constantly complaining and expressing his negative patterns, receives advice from Dory to “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!” Just keep following the light of Spirit and you will eventually find your way out. The light of awareness gives you ownership and total responsibility to make healthy choices. When you don’t move nothing happens.

No one consciously chooses unhappiness. So why is it present? It is because we unconsciously identify with our patterns. Rather than experiencing thoughts we become the thoughts and live out the story in our head. We are not our patterns. We have patterns. This is an important distinction. Resistance is unconscious. When one surrenders, the question that usually arises is, “Can I improve it or remove myself from it? This reveals options.  You now have choice of what action to take.

Old software in a computer can be useful until a newer version is available. You do not have to resist the old software, make it wrong and curse it. You just surrender that it is old, no longer useful and now there is a newer version that will allow you to do more spectacular things.

Your old worn out habitual patterns often have a lag effect in your body. They can linger even after a new awareness is present. The emotional hangover from past unconscious behavior is likened to Karma. You may still feel it even though you have now become aware. New awareness gives birth to new experiences. And experience is the creator of new habits and new patterns. Be patient and surrender to the process. If you are reading this, it means you are ready to embrace it and live it.

The ego can jump in and create doubt that your awareness is not reliable because your feelings do not match your awareness. This is where you can practice Spiritual patience and “just keep swimming!”

Dissolving old habit-mind takes daily practice and conscious awareness. You must make it a priority. Some people meditate, pray, read or go out into nature to tap back into the experience that evokes this awareness. They make it important enough to bring it into their daily life. Nothing happens in your life until you make it a priority.  It will strengthen your Spiritual endurance to meet the challenging times ahead.  Yes, you may wake up and find yourself in the middle of major darkness and contraction. Abusive people may surround you. The world has many of them.

An abusive person is cut off from their Spirit. They will try to manipulate and get energy from others. Only someone who is unconscious will try to abuse you. And only someone who is unconscious can continually be abused. When you react, fight or resist, you unconsciously keep the cycle going. Your resistance will energize the patterns of blame, separation and anger. Your part in the drama can only be broken through the light of awareness. This awareness can literally stop you dead in your unconscious tracks. It will give you a moment to take a “divine pause” and notice the beam of light in your foggy world.

Surrender to what is so, and say NO. This will take a Leap of Faith. Take action from insight not reaction.  Nelson Mandela demonstrated this best as he became aware of his inner freedom that prevailed even in his external conditions of bondage.

This is what I do when finding myself in the contraction of relationship challenges:

1. noticing it.
2. at the same moment.
4. When confused, it is good to stop and discover that you are in that place between adventures and need to choose a new direction.”
5. Choose the most loving action guided by your Spirit.
6. to the old pattern lag in the body that feels like the discomfort of resistance. It is just the stiffness of new Spiritual muscles getting in shape for a new life.

Invite the word “Notice” as part of your new vocabulary. Become an observer of your internal world without judgment. Do this and you will advance quickly through the Relationship Curriculum and attain your diploma of awareness.

I started this article with the true story of a wealthy man and his wife. At the beginning of his experience he shared that he felt every emotion possible. He felt the anger, resistance, fear and numbness of withdrawal.  And then he surrendered. When he moved into the grace of surrender to what was so, he shared the following. I will attempt to do him justice as I share it with you now.

“In the midst of absolute physical and emotional fatigue, I found myself resting in state of surrender. There was a profound stillness.  I felt a quiet peace which moved through me like the quiet center in the eye of a hurricane. Something quite beautiful and very unexpected happened. I saw my lovely wife. For the first time in many years, even before the disease, I saw her beautiful eyes looking back at me. She was alive. She was breathing. She was warm and I could feel her in my arms. And in seeing her this way, our souls met again.“

He continued...

“The disease, the physical effects of the treatment faded into the background. I saw the light around this wonderful being after so many years of moving through the fog. We spent each day in this space. We danced in love and spent long hours in silence and enjoying each other’s presence. We no longer resisted and let go. We discovered the gift and celebrated this discovery – together. She was perfect in everyway. It was the best six months of our life together. This disease was the best thing that ever happened to this relationship.”

Many people in relationship go through years and never know this level of love. It is available to all of us. It might take a Leap of Faith and lead you to venture deep into the fog of ego. But if you trust your Spirit, you will know that the adventure of following your heart is the key to your freedom. The moment you take that first step, you are free. It is not the end result that you must seek. That is only the direction.  The process is the answer. The moment you open your eyes and your heart to see that there is another way, you are home. Then the process can bring many gifts as you venture your way through life’s foggy moments.

The question I leave you with is this: What will it take for you to wake up? For my friend, it took a very personal and dramatic form. For him, he is a blessed man whose eyes have been opened. The bank account of his soul is full. What will it take for you? Ask for the sensitivity to listen for even the softest whisper from Spirit and it will be available.

Yes “Through You I See Me” it says on my ring…perfect words as a reminder of what there is to surrender to. When I play with this little piece of gold on my finger while I teach, I am reminded how grateful I am to share this world with you. Through the power of surrender, your souls become my light beam that shines my way home. Through you I see me.